“Okay, fine. I understand.” He started to move, but I pulled him back.
“But it’s weird, I don’t really feel like I’m betraying him when I’m with you.”
“We’re friends and you haven’t done anything wrong, so why would you?”
“We kissed,” I said.
“I kissed you.” He was staring at my mouth.
It was hard for me to find the right words. My emotions were all over the place. “The thing is . . . you see, when I’m with him . . . it’s weird, but it feels like I’m betraying you.” He searched my eyes and then grabbed my hand and held it. “I felt that way before you even came back into my life. That’s what you did to me,” I told him.
Jase had planted himself inside of my heart so deeply that when we parted he kept growing there. We weren’t together, but he was always there, like a part of my soul. I tried desperately to deny it and to forget, but no number of therapy sessions could take him out of me. We were a part of each other.
“God, I want to kiss you right now.”
“I smell like Doritos, and I told you no more kissing.”
“I don’t care,” he said, and then his lips were on mine. We kissed and kissed and then sank down onto the bed and fell asleep as the closing credits of My Girl ran. I instinctively curled up into his side and felt more content than I had in over a decade.
15. What About Us?
In the morning, I heard Jase shuffling around. I knew he was gathering his things. I wasn’t ready to go back to reality yet, so I kept my eyes shut for a while. It’s easy to look from the outside and say, This is a no-brainer; what is she thinking? But I still loved Trevor in some way. I wanted them both. I wanted Trevor because he wasn’t a reminder of anything. I was Emi with him—he didn’t associate me with thoughts of pain or abuse. I knew it wasn’t fair to either of them, but that’s how I felt.
Jase had been wearing a persona too. I saw glimpses of the vulnerable, sweet boy I once knew, but he was also this fancy author, a cocky, brilliant ladies’ man. He was as familiar to me as myself, yet we’d spent over a decade apart, changing in subtle ways. I’d seen Jase several times now, but we weren’t in the context of our normal lives. Where did he live? What did he do during a normal day? What did he eat for breakfast? I didn’t know any of the basic details of his life.
When he came toward me, I closed my eyes and feigned sleep.
Don’t go. Don’t go.
He sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed his hands up and down my arms a few times. “I know you’re awake, faker.”
I started laughing with my eyes closed. “No, I’m sound asleep.”
“Your breath smells really nice.”
I opened my eyes, covered my mouth, and mumbled through my fingers, “Jerk! Move so I can go brush my teeth.”
“I have to go, Em.”
“Not yet.” Tears sprouted from my eyes. I just shook my head as I felt my throat tighten.
“I have to catch a flight and get to my next event. Emiline, will you promise me something? Two things, actually?”
“Okay,” I said, my voice raspy.
“Whatever you decide, wherever life takes you, promise me you’ll finish the book and promise me that you and I will not let this much time go by without seeing each other again.” He wiped tears from my cheeks.
“I promise. You’re still my best friend,” I said.
He smiled. “Swear on your life?”
“I swear on your life,” I told him.
We stared at each other for a few seconds, our faces serious. “I have some things to figure out, but we definitely need to see each other more,” I said.
“Naked, I think,” he added.
I pushed his arm. “Go, get outta here, Romeo.”
He bent and kissed me on the cheek. “Call me. I’ll be in New Orleans tonight.”
“Okay.”
My eyes followed him as he left the room. I went to the window and watched him walk out to the parking lot. Before he got in his car, he looked up at me, kissed his hand, and waved. I did the same, and then he was gone.
I was rushing around my hotel, trying to get my things together before my one p.m. flight that I had booked yesterday, when I finally checked my phone and saw that Trevor had called me three times the night before.
“Shit!” I hit CALL BACK immediately.
He answered on the first ring. “What the fuck, Emi?”
“Trevor, I’m sorry, I fell asleep early and . . .” First lie.
“Are you with him right now?”
“No.”
He took a deep breath. “When does your plane get in?”
“Eight.”
“I’ll pick you up,” he said flatly.
“Okay,” I said, and then he hung up.
I GOT TO the airport early to return my car. In the airport bookstore, there was a display of All the Roads Between. I stared at it until an elderly woman approached me and said, “Sad book.”
“So I shouldn’t read it?”
“Not unless you like being depressed.”
“What’s it about?” I said.
“It’s about two people who fight fate and lose. You’re always gonna lose when you go against the big guy.” She pursed her lips.